Introducing The Relationship Process: Building Thriving Connections Step by Step

After 24 years of working with people in various capacities—as a social worker, chef, community educator, and coach—I’ve seen a pattern. People aren’t just struggling to get along; they’re often stuck in cycles driven by trauma that leave them feeling disconnected, unheard, and unsafe. That’s why I created The Relationship Process—a practical, experience-based approach gathered from what I’ve learned over the years to help people form strong, healthy connections with themselves and others.

This isn't just theoretical. It's a set of tools and practices drawn from real-life experience and some of the best evidence-based ideas in relational and psychological fields. The goal is to move away from harmful patterns and build relationships that feel supportive, empowering, and connected. The process involves five key steps:

Regulating: Finding Balance and Safety

The first step is regulating our nervous system, which is not simply about managing stress and calming our bodies. It’s about learning how to create presence from the body up, rather than the mind down. Inspired by trauma theory, somatic coaching, and polyvagal theory, this practice focuses on how our bodies react to historic triggers and attachment threats as though they are life threatening and the impact that has on relationships. Regulating is learning to give the body cues of safety so we can remain present in connection while having access to a range of our emotions.

While this step is often the hardest, it’s the most essential. When stressed or anxious, our nervous system goes into "survival mode," causing us to react defensively. But when we regulate—within our bodies—we feel safer, which allows us to connect more deeply. This step is foundational; without it, accessing creative consciousness , opening to new information, and connection is not truly possible. The Relationship process says we need to return to this step before each and any one of the following skill areas can be successful.

Requesting: Speaking Up for What You Need

Relationships can falter when we struggle to express our needs. Drawing from Transactional Analysis and Cooperative Negotiation, this step in the Relationship Process helps us learn to make requests, set boundaries, and communicate clearly. Asking for what we need isn't just about getting our way—it's about building trust and fostering honest communication. This practice makes room for both sides to express what they need for a healthy, mutual connection.

Many of us have been socialized with submission; it’s taboo to say you want or need something more. We have been conditioned by our cultures to accept less than we deserve or need for our thriving, often believing that we have to earn our basic human rights. When we perpetually endure this,  we lose our dignity and our respect for ourselves and hold others who have more than us in contempt. We harbor greed and envy and start to employ underhanded and manipulative tactics to get what we want. This cycles shame in ourselves and relationships.

Accessing the personal power to ask for what we want and need to fully thrive often requires support, encouragement, normalization and expanded consciousness about oppression and the structures that keep us in problematic cycles. In coaching sessions, I’ve seen people thrive when they learn how to do this from a regulated place. Their relationships transform.

Resourcing:Sharing More Than Just Material Things

Relationships involve sharing time, energy, and practical resources. This step focuses on managing these resources fairly and thoughtfully, countering societal norms that encourage competition over cooperation. It’s about approaching resources like time and care as things we share to build each other up, rather than fight over. When grounded and regulated, negotiating these resources becomes less of a struggle and more of a way to support one another.

The more resources, the more one is able to access healing and growth. Often our view about resources is limited. We forget that time, sexuality, safety, rest, friends, and choices are resources because they’re conceptual, but nonetheless very real. When we learn to share resources in an empowered and empathetic way, we are able to give and gain more in our connections with others.

Restructuring: Adapting to Life's Changes

Life is full of changes, and relationships must adapt. Inspired by queer theory, which challenges traditional norms, this step is about updating how we relate when circumstances shift. Restructuring could mean evolving a romantic relationship into a friendship, or navigating changes in work dynamics. These shifts don’t have to be seen as losses; they can create opportunities for new kinds of connection and support.

In my practice, my clients often come in upholding an unhelpful norm: “when my relationship changes it’s over.” Even though this is counter to common logic, I see couples and individuals cling to this for dear life. Clearly, when we add children, a house, school, a new job, a new set of practices, new friends, our relationships need to adjust to accommodate the new energy or it won’t stay around long. 

Relationships that don’t adapt well to life changes end up as oppressive forces we rebel against, often creating lasting wounds for generations. Thus, the skill of restructuring can’t be understated in its importance.

Reconnecting: Returning to What Matters

Reconnection isn’t just about fixing problems after a fight; it's a deep, ongoing practice of returning to what’s important—our values, relationships, and self-connection. Drawing from transpersonal psychology and emotionally focused therapy, this step emphasizes finding meaning in our connections and nurturing the bonds that help us grow both with ourselves and with others.

Whether it’s reconnecting with a loved one, reaching out to an old friend, or rediscovering a neglected passion, this step is about healing old wounds and strengthening relationships. Hospice nurses report that people on their deathbeds often lament neglecting relationships with self and others as the single biggest regret of their lives. Clearly, relationships are the most important part of living, and thus the skill of reconnecting is critical.

The Bigger Picture: Creating a World Where Connection Thrives

The Relationship Process is based on the idea that real connection is essential, not a luxury. When relationships are strong and safe, they free up our energy for living, growing, and creating rather than just surviving. By prioritizing connection over competition, we can build communities where everyone feels valued, respected, and understood.

Why I Created This

After years of working with couples, families, and individuals, I saw what works and what doesn’t. I developed The Relationship Process because everyone deserves relationships where they feel seen, heard, and safe. This is a roadmap anyone can follow, whether you’re facing a specific issue or just want to build stronger connections in your life. Small changes can lead to big shifts, and the more we practice these steps, the more we can create relationships that thrive.

P. David Stockhausen, IAORTC, CFSFCC, is a grief tender, a men's leader and a certified relationship, communication, and trauma recovery coach living in Santa Cruz, CA. Visit https://www.ironjohncoaching.com for more information on how to work with David.

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